Hello everyone, my name is Yukiko Amagi.
Yes, that Yukiko Amagi. I am one of the canon characters that HeroMystic has taken under his wing during his conquest of roleplay. I live in the world of Persona, GM'd by Sorin. All my friends are there, and I've also met Ryan as Minato and became fast friends with him. I'm not a very outspoken person, but... I am definitely a canon character that shares a connection with HeroMystic. It is because of him, that I was able to grow out of my original author's intents and become someone different.
Today, I wish to talk about two important elements that binds a character and a writer together; Trust and Empathy.
So before we start the discussion of Trust, I should lay down some background. I represent the Priestess Arcana. This arcana represents wisdom and experience. The priestess is often concerned with expression through inner power, and she holds many secrets. I'm... sort of like that? Can't say for sure. I do hold a lot of inner power, and it is unleashed when I truly desire to unleash it. I wish to protect my friends and shield them from harm, and I do not wish to be a hindrance to others. I've lived the majority of my life, wishing to find my own way and abandoning the path I was walking towards, in hopes for new excitement. Like Adventure Amy, I was wishing for someone to take me away from my boring life and take me somewhere, anywhere, to see new excitement and joy. It wasn't until the events of Persona 4 happened, that I realized I've been on an adventure this entire time. My desire to be taken away was created because I did not use my own power to step out into the world and see it in a new light. I saw the path I was on as a dark place, but it simply turns out I kept my eyes closed. So where does that put me after the game? Well, I became the manager of the Amagi Inn, and I realized as long as I didn't hide my true self from my friends, then I can enjoy each day of my life without worry. I was happy and content.
The Persona roleplay gave us a three year timeskip after those events. Things were still the same. I kept the Amagi Inn up and my friends were all following their dreams. For instance, Chie started going to the police academy, and Naoto kept up her detective duties, but as a woman instead of a man. Kanji... huh, what was Kanji doing exactly? Wow, I feel embarrassed now. Um... I think he embraced his feminine side and kept making toys or something? Hehehe, I'm so sorry Kanji, I can't exactly remember. My memory has never been that solid.
Moving on, the story went something like, a brewing monster appeared in the TV World, or something like that. Again, my memory was never that strong. But, we went there to find out what's going on. From that point, we met a teenager named Kouhei, who was going through some drama in his life. This is also the point where we've met Minato as well, who happened to have been released from the seal by the Guardian of Life. So Kouhei was about to fall into his inner demons after being tormented from them, and all of us were preparing for battle, before Minato summoned Orpheus to literally scream in his head and knock Kouhei back to his senses, and then explain to him that things will be okay and he needs to be rational otherwise he'll hurt himself. Kouhei listened and avoided summoning his shadow.
“Why didn't we think of that?” We all thought. Frankly, I found it hilarious, so I started having my giggle fits. That aside, we all introduced ourselves and we moved on. We then found this red portal, which is something we've never seen before, so we went inside. That's where we saw the big evil of this scenario. Didn't get a good look of it at the time, but it killed Yu Narukami. The man who is the main character of Persona 4.
And this affected me, greatly. This is where I tested the empathy of HeroMystic. I mean, at this point, everyone is supposed to be emotional, and since the entire roster was there, he more or less had to make a headcount and let everyone go through the motions. I didn't just go through the motions though. I was truly devastated. I was the last one to hold on to Yu's hand before he was yanked away by the shadow and killed off. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like HeroMystic couldn't feel the despair of everyone else. It's just, mine was the most powerful. So HeroMystic had to make a choice, he could either let me go through the motions as well, or he could let me go through my entire episode.
I'm grateful that he chose the latter. I'm not his favorite P4 girl (that title belongs to Chie), but he gave me specific focus and bonded with me, just so he could understand me better. This is why we have a firm connection, and honestly it's only second to Minato, whom is a bit of a cheat thanks to Ryan. So due to this, our trust between each other is quite strong. Sure, I'm not an original character like Marco or Kristina, and I'm not a “special case” like Maria or Kara, but that honestly doesn't matter to me. I'm a character within HeroMystic's mind, and instead of treating me as some foreign object, he treated me like everyone else. That's why he decided that I will be in his own original world, although under a different name. We've built a strong layer of trust for me to accept this, as no matter however I change under that new mask, I know I'll still be Yukiko underneath it all.
Would you like to hear more of what happened to me? Besides, we haven't touched too much about Empathy yet.
Well, I ended up being in a depressed state for some time. Everyone continued on fighting and such, but I wouldn't be able to get back into the fight until Narukami returned from the dead, thanks to some vast alterations within the TV World that allowed this. So Yu went to see me, and once I realized he was alive, I suddenly lost all that depression and fell for him again. That when I knew I didn't want him out of my sight. I wanted him to stay in my life, and by my side. So, after some time, I confessed to him and we got together. I supported him, and I got more active inside the group. I stepped on a few toes though, like Rise was pretty sad about it for awhile, and Naoto had to bury her feelings for Yu once she learned about the news. The only P4 girl who was truly happy for me was, of course, Chie.
Maybe that's the wrong way of putting it. It's more like the only one who wasn't negatively shocked was Chie. I mean, everyone was pretty happy for Yu and me. But since everyone except Chie was silently competing for him, they took a blow to the woman's pride. Why was Chie exempt from this? Well, HeroMystic figured Chie's pride was focused on being “one of the guys”, which is why she has never been serious with getting with Yu, and it seemed to correlate well in the P4 game. Even when you as the main character get with Chie, she has always been herself, just with the added “I can't believe out of everyone else you picked me” type of personality. She's a tomboy at heart, so being satisfied with being a friend to Yu, just seemed like her.
That and Persona 4 Arena heavily implied Chie having a thing for Akihiko instead, so there's that too.
But yeah, I was pretty happy. Lots of stuff happened during this time though and I wasn't a heavy focus. I got as much spotlight as everyone else, with Naoto probably edging ahead because she was effectively a Second-In-Command by this point. There was more focus on Minato and his group, amongst others things. Still, I was there to support Yu and help him through any troubles he faced.
I wouldn't start getting major spotlight until an event happened in the roleplay that would change me forever. Simply put, Sorin has this thing with open relationships. Somehow in some way, they seem to creep into every roleplay that HeroMystic and/or Li interacts with him in. Basically, Minato has a full relationship with the P3 girls; Mitsuru, Elizabeth, Yukari, Fuuka, Aigis, and Isabella. At some point, Yu wanted the same thing. He wanted full relationships with Chie, Naoto, Rise, myself, and eventually Marie. This triggered because Naoto ended up confessing to Yu after he flirted a little too openly with her (Naoto has never been good with handling her womanly feelings). So realizing that being only with myself as Yu's girl hurt Naoto, he decided that the best option would be to form a full loving relationship with everyone.
I had a very hard time understanding this as I looked at it through HeroMystic eyes. Why? What made him want to do this? Wouldn't he be lying to himself if he gave into his desires? It wouldn't be love, would it? He only loves me, right? Was I not good enough? I just want to be with him, I don't want to “share” him. So... why? It felt like betrayal.
Then, HeroMystic did something I was really grateful for.
[23:54] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "Yukiko also understands my situation very well."
[23:55] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "I ask that you trust me, and things will turn out well."
[23:55] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "Alright?"
[23:56] <Marco> (In seriousness, I don't think they ever talked that deeply about it)
[23:56] <@Sorin> (OOC) Probably not, but Yukiko isn't stupid. Especially after meeting and noting Minato's situation I'm sure she's thought about it (OOC)
[23:57] <@Sorin> (OOC) Its no big secret that Minato is Pimp-Nato (OOC)
[00:00] <Marco> (Back to a serious note, Yukiko isn't stupid, but she's also old-fashioned and naive. To let you know right away, it's gonna get bad before it gets better)
He spoke for me, out of character. He wanted to make sure my feelings were not taken lightly. He double and triple-checked that I needed to be taken seriously. So after that, Yu talked to me, and my mind was racing so terribly hard. At first, I wanted to hurt him. I felt inadequate, and destructive to him. So naturally, he wanted the other girls to fill in what I couldn't provide. But... I wanted to provide those things too! He didn't need Naoto, or Rise, or Chie. Shouldn't he be happy with just me?
So I had to think, and eventually I said that he can do it, but I didn't want to be part of it. It would only hurt me. I couldn't be satisfied with it. I'd only bring the entire relationship down and bring in more pain. I'd only be holding him back. In a sense, HeroMystic understood my empathy. He knew this is how I would feel, and he didn't want Sorin or Yu to take that lightly. He wanted them to respect my perspective.
Then Yu said he won't do it. This took me aback in surprise. He said losing me, would hurt more than not being in romantic relationships with the other girls.
Hold on... I'm trying to process this.
My mind was racing. It didn't make sense. We spoke on this for about an hour and it was lead into you saying that you loved all of us equally, and that we were all equally special, and that not having all of us tears you up inside. Now you're saying not having me, would hurt more than not having any of them? I'm suddenly more important than the four of them combined? No, that doesn't make any sense! You could have Naoto, Chie, and Rise, you'd just only have to deal with not having me! Three out of four! So yeah, you could be hurt by that, but I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of constantly being a second-rate, right? Right!?
The above was the gist of my thoughts. And naturally... I got really angry. It was like he took my courage to step away from something I knew that wouldn't work for me and threw it back at my face. Or maybe he really wasn't going to be satisfied unless we were all okay with the plan, or maybe I really was his special one. But, with what he just confessed that wouldn't make any sense. So, I blew up on him. I complained, saying he didn't respect my decision and that I wouldn't accept him pampering to me just because I couldn't accept what he needed. At least, that's what he made it sound like. So in the end I stormed off. I couldn't believe what just happened back there. I needed to get away.
[01:15] <@Sorin> (OOC) But yeah its probably empathy, Thank god its probably not going to take an exceptionally long time for Yukiko to calm down (OOC)
[01:15] <Marco> (Oddly enough, I have a connection with Yukiko, more than the others in the P4 crew)
[01:15] <Marco> (So we'll have to see)
[01:16] <@Sorin> (OOC) Well fuck that means there is a chance that it won't recover <.< (OOC)
[01:16] <@Sorin> (OOC) Ah well we'll need to see what happens. (OOC)
[01:17] <Marco> (It can. I'll just say right away it'll take more than just waiting for her to calm down)
And right there is HeroMystic once again protecting my feelings. He wants me to be understood. The often large problem with canon characters is other players have their own rigid view of how a character would act, while neglecting how they really act from another player's perspective. But HeroMystic also has the ability to make canon characters seem alive. It's not an uncommon skill, but people have also been impressed by his efforts to keeping characters true to themselves while growing into their own being. Like Kara, I do have to reference Shadow the Hedgehog with this.
So eventually, Yu found me, and he explained to me that he was being truthful when he said that I was the most important to him, and that he couldn't live without me. But then I brought up that he couldn't loved Naoto and the other girls equally, which he stated was true. So again, I couldn't quite buy it. Did this go deeper than just Yu? Was this a desire from Sorin as well? Are the two having a conflict of interests? Maybe I was thinking on that too deeply at the time, but that's honestly how I felt. How could one say that I'm the most important person in the world, but upon the next breath, say that I am equal to other women? It just didn't make sense... still, I had to conform to my desires to being with Yu. Plus, all those thoughts about Sorin was out-of-character anyway. HeroMystic couldn't really account for that in the roleplay, so I had to bury them.
Either way, the result of it all is I allowed the open relationship, but Yu had to accept we needed time off. I needed time to be with myself, get everything sorted in my mind. I couldn't be too close to Yu while he kindled those relationships with Naoto and the others. Fortunately, Yu respected this.
So I was single for a time, despite the fact that I knew I would eventually go back to Yu. The destination didn't matter though. If I went back to Yu, unprepared, then I would just be a destructive flame to him. I couldn't let that happen. Despite that, not being with Yu hurt. It hurt a lot. But I still couldn't understand why he needed the other girls in order to be 100% happy. It wasn't right...
Some time passes, we go on vacation, I hang out with Hamuko and Nanako the majority of this time. Then some bad things happened. Hamuko went crazy due to not having what Minato had (an open relationship), and she was dying due to plot reasons. Minato goes full martyr mode, but Yu and Elizabeth stops him from following through, then the big bad that originally killed Yu appeared in his form. Turns out he leeched Yu's power.
[21:30] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "Did you really think that Yu could love only you?" He stands. "You're pathetic. You're nothing compared to a Detective Genius, and an Idol."
[21:31] <Marco> (Yukiko) "I won't listen to your words."
[21:31] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "Because you know they're true. You've done nothing but hurt him."
[21:31] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "Why would he ever choose to love you?"
[21:31] <Marco> |Rise| "Leave her alone!"
[21:32] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "You killed him, You abandoned him, And then tried to clean up the mess you made like it was nothing!" Then looks at Rise. "And you..."
[21:32] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "You were just waiting for a chance to snatch him up, steal him away from Yukiko."
[21:32] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "Then you finally got it, and took the chance like wildfire."
[21:33] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "No questions asked."
[21:33] <Marco> |Rise| tenses up, but tries to focus on finding a weakness.
[21:34] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> looks at Naoto. "And you. I must applaud your advances. Knowing that he would fall for your guile, taking every chance to get him alone that you could, even inviting him to your room."
[21:34] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "Quite the genius, Girl."
[21:34] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "You all aren't friends, in reality you just fake being friends to satisfy your need to be around the man!"
[21:35] <Marco> (Naoto) "I'm... we're not so shallow!"
[21:35] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "So you all would be friends even if he wasn't around?"
[21:35] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "I highly doubt that. You all have nothing in common."
[21:36] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "You're to smart, someone as mentally stupid as Rise would never be anything, and Yukiko is to plain to even turn a second glance at."
[21:37] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "Admit it, you all wouldn't even give each other a second glance if not for the man."
[21:38] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> "In reality, you all subconciously fought each other, trying to impress him the most. Get him to choose you over the others."
I don't know how he did it, but it was as if I was read like a book. Even if he started talking about the other girls, it was like he was completely reading my mind. The only one who was truly happy for me, was Chie. Naoto was hurt by our relationship, and so was Rise. So that's what happened. Naoto stayed close to Yu, and Rise jumped at him at the very first moment she got. And then Yu felt satisfied. So... I really wasn't worth anything, and I really have been hurting him the entire time, and then when something was starting to break, I ran away from it, hurting him even more.
But... I still didn't understand. If that was true, why did Yu say I'm the most important? Why did he put in so much effort to keep me wrapped in? Was his desire that strong..? I just couldn't wrap my head around it. But all I knew was, the only friend I cared about from that point was Chie. I was envious of Naoto and I actually did think Rise was too childish. And me? I was definitely too plain. Too old-fashioned, too unaccepting of these “new ways” that were being placed on me. I was too negative, I was going to drag everyone down.
Things happened, and after some time passed, Yu talked to me. That's when I vented. To be honest, I can't remember what Yu said to me. I think it was something about everything that shadow said wasn't true, but I couldn't cite it word for word. It honestly didn't matter, because for me, it is true. I had all of those thoughts, and I felt terrible for it. I wanted Yu for myself, and I couldn't handle the fact that he desired other women. Just being around him started to sicken me, and whenever he was with the other girls I just wanted to scream. It hurt me deeply to have those thoughts, that I couldn't accept this, and eventually, I admitted to myself that what I truly wanted to do, was get rid of both Naoto and Rise, so Yu would only desire me.
That's when I realized I was a terrible friend. My life became dedicated to being with Yu. And that's when I fell to my shadow.
As Shadow Yukiko, I gave into everything I've held back. I wanted Yu, I wanted to get rid of everyone, I wanted to show him just how much he meant to me and how much pain I was feeling. I wanted to dominate him, get rid of those ridiculous feelings and meaningless desires he felt for the other girls. I wanted him to only have his eyes on me. So that's what I did. I showed him that I am better than those girls, that I can be exciting, that I'm not just some plain old-fashioned girl! I got him excited, I forced him to climax, I made him feel intense heat with my body and I became the ultimate object of desire for him.
And it worked, for awhile. He almost fell to me. He gave into my passion, my warmth, my burning flame of desire and climax. He saw my raw beauty, and that put me into eternal bliss. He couldn't take his eyes off me, and I was ready to break the ground on top of him. But then he pushed me away, said that wasn't me. That isn't who I really am. I was doubting my true self. Was I? Yeah, I was. But, it wasn't my true self. I was doubting my values and my upbringing. I was doubting my judgement and my virtues. I was doubting how much I valued my friends. So I looked deep into my inner core, and looked into my passion. All I knew, for a fact, was I wanted to prove myself to Yu. I wanted to prove that I'm the only girl that was worth something! I'm not worthless!
So then Chie eventually held me back from doing anything else to Yu, and Mitsuru froze me in ice. My burning passion was able to cool down, and it allowed me time to think. I didn't hide my shadow this time, I wanted to become the shadow. I wanted to be exciting as her. If I became as exciting and passionate as her, I could have got what I wanted.
But then I realized, I started acting this way because Yu died. When I lost Yu, that's when everything triggered. That's why I confessed to him. That's why I became weak. That's why I became so scared of reality. When Yu came back, my whole world lit up again. I stayed by his side because he was my light in the darkness.
I placed too much pressure on him.
I wanted him to take care of me, and keep me in a fairy tale. I wanted him to love me, and not have anyone else. I wanted him carry me in his arms and shield me from the big bad world.
In other words, I regressed to how I was back in the beginning of Persona 4, waiting for my prince to take me away from my cage and showing me how to fly. I lost my growth. I lost my independence. I lost my courage to step out into the world and see it for what it truly was. I wanted to stay in my dream.
The funny part?
[11:08] <Marco> (Shadow Yukiko) "Oh, I do remember Chie. I used to rely on you soooo much. But now, you've been replaced." she moves over to Yu and tries to take his hand.
[11:08] <Marco> [GM] Yu, something strange happens.
[11:09] <@Sorin> <Yu Narukami> ?! Oh fuck what more could happen!
[11:09] <Marco> [GM] As she walks over to you, her persona reverts to base form.
HeroMystic knew! He knew I lost my growth, that I've regressed. He was able to see my emotions, and during my moment of unhinged passion, he realized I lost everything I've gained, and showed that by reverting my Tier 3 Persona to base form.
What he didn't know, was how I could have the ability to move on from my regression. Sure, he could make some guesses, but he knew this was something that truly and absolutely bothered me. So, he didn't try to think of a way to save me. He instead, synced with my feelings, and we explored it, together. How can I accept an open relationship when I'm so vehemently against it? How can I accept reality for what it is when I wanted to stay hidden within my cage? We had to journey, to find that answer.
What was the answer? It was the simple, and harsh truth that my prince did not exist. It was never going to exist. The only one who could step out and see the world for what it truly is, was me. Yu was not a prince. He is simply a man with much conviction. Chie was not a prince, she is my best and closest friend. Naoto and Rise were not my enemies. They're women with their own troubles and desires. I had to accept that the world is different than what I want to be, and make the choice to whether take the harsh stings of reality as they come, or stay in my cage.
I decided, to take the harsh strings. Because for every negative effect placed upon me, there will be twice as many pleasures to find. Yes, Yu wants an open relationship, but that is because he wants to please everyone. It's not because Naoto kept egging him on, or because Rise was a viper. It's because Yu made the choice to be with everyone.
Is it bad for me? Yes. And to be honest, I still have my dislikes about it. But, it's something I have to accept if I want to stay with Yu. If I can't handle it, I can't cling to him hoping that he'll change. I have to make the decision to move on.
And that's what I did. I accepted, for myself, that I will be me. I will not change for other people. I will not shy away from showing my true self. If people do not like me, then so be it. Life goes on, and my journey continues. With that conviction, I regained control of my shadow and apologized for my behavior, and I went to Yu, saying I will accept his needs, along with everyone else's.
Did everything become a 'happily ever after' for me? No, not even close. But, I can't stop my feet now. Instead of running from the world, I run towards it. I want to see where life takes me.
And I couldn't have find out any of that, if it weren't for HeroMystic's Empathy control. He stayed with me, the entire time, and I was able to explore areas of myself I never thought imaginable. I became my own character, despite being restrained to the laws of a canon character. After experiencing that, I can easily trust him with my life.
In fact, the only reason why I've been chosen to write this blog is because HeroMystic heard my voice in his head. He knew I was concerned about something. That something, I will refrain from saying here, but writing this blog has allowed me to explore it. So, truly, I thank you, HeroMystic. I'll take the liberty of thinking of a new name for myself in your novel (that you'll eventually write despite spending so much time on these blogs).
Last thing I'll leave you with, is a song that emphasizes the theme of myself, and the story I laid out above.
Perfect, isn't it?
This is Yukiko Amagi, signing out.